Comment Wall
(Adele Quote. Source: Makeameme)
Hello, here is the link to my storybook! Thank you for the feedback :^)
Introduction to... A Chicken-Loving Master of Procrastination
Hello! My name is Long, I'm currently a junior studying Microbiology Pre-Med route, and might I say, time has been going by way too fast for me right now. I remember just yesterday that I was a freshman entering the campus in Fall 2017 without a clue as to where my classes were. But, here we are, 5 semesters later, and I guess there's nothing you can do about it but try your best to catch up! Am I right? In the past two semesters, something that I was proud about was the matter that I achieved a 4.0 GPA in both of my busiest semesters of college so far. I know I'm giving myself a pat on the back right now, but seriously at some points during those semesters, I contemplated ripping off all my hair. I can say that, for me, 2019 has been a year of work after work after work, I couldn't find any time for myself. Spring 2019 I was pledging a fraternity. In summer, I was taking biochemistry every weekday for 2 months. And Fall 2019, I busied myself with 5 science-related clas
Wow! What a great post, Long. I really liked how you showcased your sense of humor using an Adele meme. Keep up the good work. Also, I liked your storybook, but I think it would be really cool if the title image was a fearsome weapon, to go along with the theme of your storybook, since right now it looks very tranquil and peaceful.
ReplyDeleteHey Long!
ReplyDeleteFirst, I liked your header picture. I've seen some people include different kinds of pictures for their portfolio story, but I think including an image from the story in the Ramayana helps people understand the plot better and how it relates to our readings. I also liked how you put the author's note first. That's something I haven't seen anyone else do, but it does make the reading a lot easier to follow when you have an idea of what's going on. Another thing that was unique to your story was the use of a first person narrator. I haven't seen a lot of people do that either, and it makes the story feel more personal. The rest of your images go along great with the story, and your use of dialogue is intriguing. One thing I would recommend is using the dialogue story editing challenge to help shift some of your dialogue from passive to active. I've done this with my stories in this class and can say that it makes a world of difference. Keep it up!
Hi Long,
ReplyDeleteI love your pictures. I think they depict the story well and really helps the readers better imagine the original story. Putting the author's note first really gives the reader a background going into the story kinda of where to start, so that was really cool. I would put something in the beginning to really separate the author's note from the story, make a dashed line. It seemed all jumbled up in the beginning. The story itself was wonderful. I am glad recognized all the fashion icons, and the level of seriousness stayed the same throughout the story even though it was so funny to read. My only other suggestion is to put the pictures throughout the story rather than all at the end. It would give a story a nice visual feature as we are reading. Overall, I thought you did great with the detail and really keeping your writing concise.
Hello Long,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your story! It was very creative and honestly pretty funny! Content wise, there is nothing I would change about it. My only advice for improving the story is to fix up some grammar mistakes. For example, "In that moment, a creature not before seen by the light of day jumped out from the confines of the dark forest, covered in blood, emitting a frightening stench, and stood there right in front of me." you mixed your tenses here. Based on the rest of your story, I assume that the protagonist is retelling the story (hence past tense) but this sentence also had stuff happening in the present tense (emitting a frightening stench). The way this sentence is written is pretty awkward so my suggestion would be to split it up into two sentences, otherwise I would just make sure that all of your tenses match up for the rest of your story. "And with a swift swipe of her stainless steel Cartier-ringed hammer, threw me across the barren field with an enormous boulder the only thing stopping me from the plunge I received from the attack." was another awkward sentence that stood out to me. I think what you were going for here is that the demon hit the protagonist with a hammer which sent them flying into a boulder. It doesn't seem super clear with this sentence so I would rewrite that part. Honestly you can probably just cut out that boulder part since it doesn't really add anything to the story. Anyways, I hope these suggestions were helpful!
Hey Long,
ReplyDeleteI really like your sense of humor in general, and the way you incorporate it into your stories! Your image usage is also really neat, as it helps me to visualize the events happening in your story, so that it clarifies what is happening, as well as incorporating a helpful sense of imagery throughout. The details in your story were immaculate; I felt as though I was walking through the scenes you described myself. I found it really hard to be lost in your story as well, as you made it flow very well. Although your vocabulary is really good, there could be some parts where it is written a little more simple, with less description. But that is just an opinion, as I feel like the way you write fits into your storytelling really well anyways. Your writing stands out from a lot of other pieces I have read by the way you use descriptive language, and I feel as though you can continue to develop that in order to make your writing style even stronger than it already is! Great job with syntax and flow, and good job overall.
Hi Long. I enjoyed your first story. I especially liked that the weapons were all designer accessories and the Pouch of Mortgages at the end had me dying laughing. I don't know why some of these comments are nitpicking your story - I was able to fully understand what was happening in the plot the whole time. My main advice would be to make the title images bigger - on desktop mode, google sites does weird stuff to the banner images. It looks like you have some cool banner images, but they get stretched by google sites. Also, it looks like your source link for the German forest didn't get pasted in. It would be cool to see these pictures interleaved throughout the story so we can get a better idea of the story itself. I like how you have started this storybook, so I will definitely come back to read more!
ReplyDeleteHey Long,
ReplyDeleteHaha great stories! I loved the creativity and the silliness of the Yerdua story. It was definitely a fresh take on the story with a lot of modern easter eggs. In fact, I thought you did a great job of incorporating those easter eggs without it overwhelming the main plot. However, I expected you to continue the fashion theme as the stories continued, so I was confused when the second story had no mention of fashion. It seems to me like pretending all the weapons are named after modern fashion brands would be a funny plot to me, and a fun way to weave all the stories together. Overall though, I thought that your stories were really well written, and I didn't spot any grammar mistakes, so your stories are very desirable. I wish you the best of luck on the rest of the stories and good luck on the rest of clas too!
Long, great job on your portfolio, I like the concept of describing different weapons and how they can be the center of different stories (instead of certain characters)! I loved that you incorporated humor, especially in Yerdua. Death by tacky clothing is for sure the worst punishment, HAHA. I want to commend your creativity and writing style. Incorporating different designer names and still being able to play it into the Ramayana was done seamlessly. I also liked the amount of imagery you included, it really allows your reader to get a good feel for the scenes going on. My only suggestion would be that although I enjoyed that your story was from the first-person point of view, the dialogue was hard to follow sometimes. I think coming up with a better way to incorporate that would be great! I liked that your first story was SO different from your second one. The second was much more along the lines of the Mahabharata and more serious. I think you should continue to do a mix of fun and serious stories, that gives a really good scope of writing skills. I can’t wait to read more from your portfolio!
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteLong, I really like your portfolio; I'm a big fan of ancient weapons (I once spent about three hours at armory section of the Met), so your portfolio is right up my alley. I would definitely like to see more pictures of weapons in your stories! I really enjoyed the structure of your Yerdua story. You do a great job balancing dialogue and action. Was there any reason why the demon was named Yerdua? I wasn't sure if it was a spin on a fashion designer or not. I would also add a bit more backstory to the protagonist– always a good way to increase tension. Some of the fashion jokes didn't land with me until after I read the author's note. For more complex stories, I would move the author's note to the top of the story! Overall though, I think the concept of your portfolio is super neat, and I'm excited to see how it expands in the future.
ReplyDeleteI think the idea of your portfolio is very cool. I am interested in what kinds of weapons have been used throughout history and I have even done some research into weapons used in ancient India after reading about the Pandavas and the weapons that they chose. One of the weapons that one of the pandavas chose was a mace and I decided to look it up. It turns out that ancient Indian warriors wielded gigantic maces! Your idea of celestial weapons is very intriguing and your spin of death by fashion is very funny and creative. I I think pictures of the weapons would be very cool. The author's note helped me to make the connection between Rama's story and your story and I think it is an excellent retelling and makes for a very fun read. I think your portfolio is one of the more creative ones that I have seen and I am excited for the rest of your portfolio!
ReplyDeleteHey Long!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your portfolio, everything about it is intriguing and kept me captivated. The pictures that you had on each section was very welcoming and a nice surprise. The weapons seemed to me like they were the characters and that was really neat and a different take for sure. I really just enjoyed how you were able to fit modern things that we have in our world and incorporate them into the story that you are telling. At first I was a little lost about what story I was reading but once I got to your authors note I finally understood everything. I think that the way that you formatted everything and made the stories very unique and set them apart from everything that I have read so far. Overall, this portfolio has been really well done and I cannot wait to read the final stories that you add.
Hi Long, Your storybook stories are very interesting. The pages for each of them look really good and I think you did great choosing images. Your home page is kind of plain compared to your story pages though, but the picture is awesome, is there a way to make the image portion larger to see more of it? I think that could help with grabbing attention. Another suggestion I have is to separate your author’s note, when looking at the story, the author’s note get sort of swallowed into the story. Maybe you could bold the font for the title “Author’s Note” or you could put the image in between the story and the note? For the story The Sudarshana Chakra if there is a way to alter where the image is centered, I think the picture would look better if it was placed where you can see his face. I really enjoyed your storybook, and you have some great pictures to go along with the stories. - Jillienne
ReplyDeleteHello Long!
ReplyDeleteIt was great reading your story, Yerdua the Demon Queen of Designer. I thought it was really creative how you included clothes throughout the story. When the demon told the guy that he will suffer tacky clothing it reminded me of Rick and Marty when Rick and Summer are on a planet that is ran by women. Good stuff! I also like how the guy stood up to the demon knowing that it was a powerful. I also liked the play on words for the designer brands like the Mikors and LVuitton; very creative! To be honest, the fight scene reminds me of an anime fight scene where the fighter is trying to think of what to do next. You did a great job setting up the suspense and action scenes as well. The ending also reminded me of anime just because the protagonist finally defeated the demon, (demon queen in this case). Overall, great story!